Good Comebacks

How about never? Is never good for you?
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
His teeth are brighter than he is.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

*◘•○Here's a come back when someone calls you short.○•◘*
I might be short but your ugly and I still have time to grow!

☺○◘•Cross Examination •◘○☺

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?

Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.

D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

Officer: Yes sir, with my life.

D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

Officer: Yes sir, we do.

D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?

Officer: Yes sir, I do.

D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?

Officer: Yes sir.

D.A.: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Now THAT's what I call a comeback !!

*○◘•The Pumpkin Patch •◘○*

Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"